His Absence Was Always Cold
by Lemon Drop Lie Detector
Summary: Tonks finally got up the courage to ask Lupin out, and he said no. Now she has to deal with the misery.


_For sareface's "Oneshot Challenge!"  
MidnightEmberMisery gave me the challenge "Tonks and Lupin- chinchilla"  
Enjoy!_

**Disclaimer: I have no claim on Tonks or Lupin, but the chinchilla is totally mine. ;)**

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Tonks trudged through the snow, indifferent to the cold that seemed to press in on her from all sides. She was wearing a Muggle pea coat and was only vaguely aware of the odd absence of a cloak swishing around her ankles as she walked. She reached up to brush the unfamiliar hair out of her eyes and her fingers found frozen tear tracks on her face. No wonder her cheeks had hurt. She disregarded them, not wanting to remember why they were there.

She approached a snow-covered bench and quickly glanced around her. There were no people anywhere in sight. She drew her wand out of her pocket. The thin stick was so perfectly _right_ in her hand. It seemed to be the only familiar thing left in this horribly new world of misery.

She vanished the snow on a small section of the bench and produced a steady stream of hot air from the tip of her wand to dry the wet wood. She was distracted by a bunny made out of snow by the hands of some young child. Somehow the innocence stabbed at her heart, making sharp tears prick at her eyes again. She held them back, telling herself to get a grip. This was not Tonks, this was some monster taking over her mind. This wasn't even her body.

It took Tonks a while to realize that the steam coming off the bench had turned to smoke and she was boring a pit into the bench. She glanced around guiltily before remembering that if anyone had seen her, the new hole in the wood would be the least of her worries. She sat down quickly, stowing her wand in her pocket before resting her chin in her small slender hands. She wasn't used to their fragile quality.

He had said no. She had spent months preparing for the moment she would ask, she had been so scared. But for some reason she had taken it for granted that if she got up the courage to ask he would say yes. She had thought there was something in the way he looked at her. She had assumed it meant something when she caught him staring at her, or when he became so much more prone to drop things in her presence. And if that wasn't enough, there was that night.

That summer was hard on everyone. He had very little money and had been in need of a place to stay for a night. Of course she had offered her apartment. Neither had been sleeping well so they sat together for a long time, but soon it became so much more than that. But when she awoke the next morning, shivering in an empty bed with only a sheet covering her naked body, there wasn't even a note. His absence was always cold.

Even though he left, she had thought he must feel something. But he had said no.

"_Sorry Tonks, but that's not a good idea." _Of course she had protested. _"Look," he had said, trying to be patient, "you're so young, I can't…"_

"_I don't care! Don't tell me what you can't do, Remus, it's not true, you could if you wanted to. You did…" _Tonks closed her eyes, giving herself over to the painful memory.

"_That was a mistake, Nympha-"_

"_Don't call me that."_

"_-Tonks, that night… it was stupid. I'm a monster, you deserve someone whole."_

"_You know I don't care about that, Remus."_

"_I do, though. Besides, it was just mistake."_

"_You don't…?"_

"_No. I don't. And you shouldn't either."_ And then he was gone, leaving her with her tears. She remembered shivering. His absence was always cold.

When Tonks reached up to brush the fresh tears off her cheek before they froze there, she realized that her fingers were stinging with cold. She sighed, shoving her hands back in her pockets. It would be a hassle to have to go to St. Mungo's for frostbite. Her fingers came in contact with smooth wood and she was overcome with a desire to do magic. _There_ was something she could control, and trust. She glanced around again for watching Muggles and saw none, but her eyes rested once more on the snow bunny. She decided to transform it into a live rabbit. A small part of her new this was reckless, but she didn't care.

She pointed her wand at the rabbit muttering the incantation under her breath. With a small pop the snow shrunk into a furry creature that didn't resemble a rabbit in the slightest. After staring at it for a moment in mild confusion she recognized it as a chinchilla. A chinchilla? Really? She snorted in disgust and leaned against the back of the bench, tucking her wand in her pocket. Her mind was so messed up, she couldn't even transfigure something, and that was her best subject.

She watched disinterestedly as the confused chinchilla scampered away. Probably wouldn't make it through the night. Then again, would she?

The cold had completely penetrated her, but despite the shivering she felt no urge to walk back to her apartment. She knew it would be cold there too. His absence was always cold.


End file.
